Release: 20th of May

Running time: 101 minutes

Rating: M

Imagine for a second you're shaking booty in a hip nightclub. Imagine everyone's enjoying themselves and you're surrounded by dozens of attractive women waggling their funky things. Then imagine two middle-aged, saggy faced sleazebags sauntering in and performing a synchronised dance to a Bee Gees song. In the Real World this would get them laughed at, beaten up, dumped into the street and urinated on. In Nick Giannopoulos World, this leads to cheering, widespread admiration, and sex.

 Unfortunately, The Kings Of Mykonos is set in irony free Nick Giannopoulos World.

 The Kings Of Mykonos is set ten years after the events of the original Wog Boy film. Unfortunately, Steve (Giannopoulos) and Frank (Vince Colossimo) are still alive and living those lives in Melbourne when a phone call from a distant relative informs them that Steve's uncle has died and left him a beach worth €2.5 million. All they have to do is fly over and collect it.

 And so begins the poorest excuse for a Mediterranean holiday ever witnessed.

 After they arrive in Mykonos, Steve is dismayed to discover that he has to pay €1 million tax before he can collect his beach. A rich, incredibly good-looking businessman, Mihali, steps in and offers Steve a deal, which he rejects. Then, in one of the most baffling moments in recent cinema history, this sagging, pudgy, charmless character seduces Mihali's beautiful blonde wife somehow.

 Meanwhile Frank is on his own quest to become the "King of Mykonos" by seducing as many women as possible. Predictably, he fails, although he does uncover the secret island conspiracy....

 This, my friends, is where the story begins to get good. That's right – for all its problems this film actually has a decent story at its heart. This can be credited to writer Chris Anastassiades, a man who has the importance of story and the three act structure imprinted on his DNA, and not Giannopoulos who once boasted in 2002 that “story shits me”. Unfortunately, an okay story isn't enough to save it.

 Where does it go so horribly wrong?

 Firstly, Giannopoulos has no sense of irony. His character Steve is not cool. He's sad. Watching him seduce one of the best looking women you'll ever lay eyes on isn't realistic, it's pure science fiction. It's pathetic and frankly, also a little weird and only made worse by the fact Giannopoulos clearly believes in it. Frank is even sadder. A man in his mid 40's approaching women by flat out telling them he wants to have sex is more frightening than the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street.

Secondly, the humour. Unlike (the also humour absent) I Love You Too, there are a large amount of one-liners, but as most of them are at the level of “You're like Hugh Hefneropoulos!” the laughs do not come thick. They do not come fast. Mostly, they do not come at all. Costas Kilias reprises his role as Tony the Yugoslav. For those who may have forgotten, Tony's shtick is exactly the same - adding “fuckin'” to the end of every sentence. Time has not made this gag funny. There was a Tony Mokbel joke that might have been funny on breakfast radio in 2007, but not in this film. If you're a young male who objectifies woman and likes big shiny things that go “vroom!” you may find something to laugh at. I pity you.

 The final question that must be asked is “why does this film exist?”. The first Wog Boy wasn't great, but it spoke to the children of migrants and their experiences, and these truths helped it make over $12 million in the box office. Kings Of Mykonos doesn't contain any new insights, and has no cultural relevance to either Australians, or Greeks. It's existence would be a mystery except that Giannopoulos hasn't had any projects get up since 2004 when he wrote and presented a special on Greece for the Olympic Games. Is The Kings Of Mykonos going to re-establish his fading career? Based on what I saw, highly unlikely.

 Future philosophers may ask themselves the question “If a film is played to an audience and nobody laughs, is it still a comedy?” The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind fuckin'.

Verdict: FAIL.